I'm angry. What else is new? My new source of anger is that over 2 weeks ago I wrote a guest column for the Diamondback, in the OPINION section mind you, and I am still getting heat for it. I have responded to now two reporters who are doing a follow-up article to my article and the many responses it got online. If you don't know what I'm talking about here it is:
http://media.www.diamondbackonline.com/media/storage/paper873/news/2008/10/27/Opinion/Guest.Column.The.800Pound.Gorilla-3506761.shtml
I'll be the first to admit, I am awful at taking criticism. I'm getting better but it's taking time, and I still get upset when I look at the comments on my article. Mostly over the blatantly racist ones. What sucks the most is that these dickless sons of bitches can write whatever the hell the want to and not hold themselves accountable to it. Believe me, I did get good responses on the article, but they were via e-mail from strangers thanking me for writing it. Of course they did'nt mind holding themselves accountable. This is my response to those people, in which I don't have to hold myself accountable, because I know they won't read it.
I know that my opinions are bit extreme, and throwing out terms like the Model Minority Myth to people who would never in their wildest dreams refer to me as Asian(Asian American wouldn't even be in their vocabulary) was an overall disaster waiting to happen.Another one of my fellow AASU wrote a very similar column to the Public Asian, our school's APA newspaper, and got no heat for it at all. But I have freedom of speech just like the people who commented did, and I felt the need to address the newspaper that was publishing these articles.
Some of the comments hinted at the fact Asian Americans isolate or alienate ourselves. Really?? really??? We do this to ourselves? We wrote the Chinese Exclusion Act? The Japanese decided to head off to internment camps all on their own?? After 9/11, South Asians happily went back to their home countries without so much as a phone call to their families, who they willing left behind???? Sorry buddy, but I'm pretty sure we don't isolate ourselves, yeah I'm pretty sure American society does that for us. What I can't seem to understand is why people even question that racism doesn't exist. Do they think its some kind of jolly coincidence that minorities make up most of the people living below the poverty line and most of the people in prison in this country???? No, believe it or not, it's not because we are "too lazy" to pursue the American Dream, but rather institutionalized racism in play.
The blatantly racism ones don't deserve my time but I feel the need to share my favorite: People who eat dogs are beneath contempt. How many dogs have you eaten?
Oh I've eaten about 5 or 6 today, thanks for asking. What the FUCK? I cannot believe I go to a university that is one of the best public colleges in the nation, has AMAZING ethnic study classes, and prides itself on diversity, and yet I still have to put up with this moronic bullshit. Everything I've learned about racism in our society I have learned from this classes at this University, and now I'm having thrown back in my face by one of my fellow students. BEYOND RIDICULOUS. Actually, beneath contempt.
Moving on, my favorite thing I've been told through this experience is to just ignore it. One commenter wrote that if you don't like something, don't read it. Aka, her genius ass should have not read my article. Everyone and their mother has already shared with me that they think I'm being oversensitive. I found out recently that a professor looked into my article, the Public Asian article , and the cartoons that we were writing about, and informed us that when we see cartoons like this the best thing to do is just ignore it. Call it oversensitive. Call it whatever the hell you want, but when I see something that doesn't sit write by me, I need to say something. Because if I don't, I am only leaving room for this kind of bullshit to happen all over again. The cartoonist of the cartoon that used to sit next to Professor Gorilla, who goes by the name B.Ray, informed me that if we just ignore it, people will stop picking on us. It's like in elementary school he said. If you fight back, they only pick on you more. Too bad in other communities of color, people know better. I asked him why wasn't it "Shaniqua" instead of "Jung Sung". The Black community has been amazing at responding to racism, and although they still face UNBELIEVABLE amounts of racism, sometimes people know better than to make cheap shot jokes at them. Not B.Ray tho. Too bad for him, apparently he got fired last week because he made a cartoon that was racist against black women. Funny how things work out.
After hearing from some so many people that I was being oversensitive and I should ignore it, I almost started to think that they were right. But then, two things re-affirmed my own beliefs and my position in standing up for what I believe in. The first was the amazing performance of Yellow Rage, at the FUEL conference this past weekend. They did a poem on the word chink. How people use it, but they don't mean anything by it and sometimes even mean it as a compliment. Yellow Rage laid down the law. They affirmed what I had said in my last entry, which was that just because you don't mean it in a hurtful way, doesn't mean that it doesn't still bring back years of oppression. Find new words, people. Find intelligent humor, Diamondback cartoonists, there are plenty of funny things outside of race, gender, and sexual orientation.
The second thing was the election of our 44th President, Barack HUSSEIN Obama. Yes, HUSSEIN, which all too many Islamophobics out there are afraid of, many of whom still think he is Muslim. Many people did not believe they would ever see a black president in their lifetime, but he did it. Many people told him he was too black, too inexperienced, too young, too not fit to be our President, but he will be come January. Do you think this man listened when people told him all this?? He wasn't born with the mass following that he has now, but he earned his supporters and he did so by never backing down. I have to say, that around primaries time, I was on team Hilary(I'm Green, so i couldn't vote). But now, I have this man to thank for a renowned faith in hope, change, democracy, and the country that we live in. He has made me and so many others a better person by utilizing his freedom of speech. So for all of you who said I was being oversensitive and should ignore it, I'm officially ignoring you instead. I'm following the lead of our next President, and I REFUSE to back down. I am entirely too angry, smart, and empowered, to sit and smile while the rest of society takes a cheap shot at me. Sorry if that's oversensitive in your book, but in mine it's standing up for what I believe in.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Say what?: The language of hate
I do it. You do it. We all do it. It's practically a societal norm. That's right people, everyday we use slang words that further oppress the already oppressed groups. What is it about our generation that we love to rally for change, but yet we continually use our mouths to drag ourselves straight back to the gutter of injustice? I've tried to stop. I've tried to stop others. But I'm afraid. It's so ingrained in us that if you try to stop, you're taking things to seriously. You're too sensitive. People will be afraid to make jokes around you. People will walk on egg shells around you. You'll lose all your friends. Still don't have a clue what I'm talking about? Well allow me to elaborate, sir!
Let's start with my pet peeve and the most commonly used. Gay. Fag. Homo. No Homo. Butch. I used to rock the hell out of this language in middle school. I mean it was the cool thing to do. You want to be cool don't you? How is it that the word gay, when I try to substitute it, always translates to "stupid". "That's so gay". "This is the gayest project ever". Really? can a project be attracted to a project of the same sex??? Is there sex in inanimate objects? We use these phrases because other people use them, and other people start using them because we use them. Its an unnecessary domino effect. I doubt that most people who use these phrases are even homophobic in the least, but no matter how casually you say it, or what you mean by it, you are using gay as a synonym for stupid. You are saying being gay is the equivalent to being stupid. You are supporting homophobia, whether you like it or not. I don't think that the LGBTQ community should have to suffer, just so we can be cool and throw around some slang. I mean did Matthew Shepard really deserve to die for being himself? There could be a lot less hate crimes against this community, if we all just supported them and didn't use these words. It's a start to a simple solution to a very dark and complicated problem.
Moving on to the word that makes me cringe. The N word. It's back and back in style. Thanks to the ever growing trend in rap music to use this word. Everyone can name a song with it in there. Fuck, everyone can name 20 songs with it in there. Who wouldn't want to sing along with Kanye, " I ain't saying she a gold digger..."? You know the rest. We all know that its okay for our black brothers and sisters to use it but not us. So why is it that all my non-black friends use it all the time? In the same way though, the joking around way, not the I'm gonna lynch your ass way. They wouldn't dare say it around my black friends though. I mean they're just being cool and trendy like Kanye. WRONG. It's not like I can call up all these artists on the phone, and be like I hope you know you just re-instated hundreds of years of racism. Really, is there a difference between the KKK-I'm gonna lynch you way and the trendy way? It's the same word, people and it is extremely painful to all communities of color, regardless of the context.
Ladies, ladies, ladies. You didn't think I'd forget about us did you? The most commonly used and most commonly overlooked hate language brings us down. Watch out cuz I'm about to go feminazi on this piece. Bitch. Slut. Whore. Ho. Hooker. Skank. Chickenhead.Floozy. I use these words all the time. Once again, jokingly. Can you think of the male equivalents to these words? No putting Man in front of it is not the same thing(Man Whore, Male Slut). It's more like Player or Pimp. But wait, those sound like good things? Can you think of any words that chastise men for being sexually promiscuous? No. There really aren't any. It's fine for them. I don't think I need to explain the ridiculousness of the double standard that our society holds so dear. What I don't understand is why women are constantly told to be stronger both emotionally and physically. "You throw like a girl". "Stop being such a woman." Apparently being born with a vagina and estrogen is an awful thing and ladies, we need to get rid of it immediately. Ask some one about Hilary Clinton, who you know does not like her, and they will tell you she's a bitch. Ask some one who doesn't like our boy George Dubya(shouldn't be too hard to find), and they will tell you he's a dumbass, jackass, etc. Why doesn't bitch come out? A bitch is just an aggressive woman. But than as soon as Hilary starts crying, she isn't strong or aggressive enough and definitely not fit to be president. Although I can almost guarantee that if Obama started to cry, he would be commended for his passion and commitment. Our language would tell us that basically a woman needs to sit still and be pretty. Unfortunately, all too many of us take this advice. This is why we spend more time and money shopping, dieting, buying make-up, shaving, and trying to fix every single "flaw" in our appearances. Oh, but we're just being girls right? This stuff makes us feel good about ourselves, it makes us confident. Why is it that feeling good about ourselves is almost completely dependent on our appearance? This is hate language in its works. Of course the media plays a huge part too, but the two go hand in hand. You wouldn't have hate language without the media.
Growing up in the suburbs among equally well off people, I never realized how I was SWIMMING in privilege. I have privilege flowing out of my ass. I never noticed that the word"ghetto", which I used to describe anything cheap or run-down, was racist and classicist. I mean I thought everyone that lived in the ghetto was there because they were lazy. They were supposed to pull themselves up by the boot straps, just like Will Smith in the Pursuit of Happiness. I thought it happened all the time. Wrong. Institutionalized racism got you again, sucka! When you think of the ghetto, do you picture white families? Didn't think so. So as long as you keep thinking that the American Dream is real, and you can easily make your way out of the ghetto, get an education, and have 2.5 kids, institutionalized racism will still go on.
I'm getting tired, so I'm going to assume you know why saying things like "retard" makes the difficult lives of the disabled even harder. This entry was not meant to be some sort of self-righteous rant about how you need to stop using this language right now. I said it myself, I use some of these words ALL the time, everyday. All I want to express is that our words have consequences. They mean something. You may not be racist, sexist or homophobic but believe me the people who invented these words and phrases were. Think before you speak, do not let the media tell you how the world should be.
*no i did not read through this to check for grammatical errors
Let's start with my pet peeve and the most commonly used. Gay. Fag. Homo. No Homo. Butch. I used to rock the hell out of this language in middle school. I mean it was the cool thing to do. You want to be cool don't you? How is it that the word gay, when I try to substitute it, always translates to "stupid". "That's so gay". "This is the gayest project ever". Really? can a project be attracted to a project of the same sex??? Is there sex in inanimate objects? We use these phrases because other people use them, and other people start using them because we use them. Its an unnecessary domino effect. I doubt that most people who use these phrases are even homophobic in the least, but no matter how casually you say it, or what you mean by it, you are using gay as a synonym for stupid. You are saying being gay is the equivalent to being stupid. You are supporting homophobia, whether you like it or not. I don't think that the LGBTQ community should have to suffer, just so we can be cool and throw around some slang. I mean did Matthew Shepard really deserve to die for being himself? There could be a lot less hate crimes against this community, if we all just supported them and didn't use these words. It's a start to a simple solution to a very dark and complicated problem.
Moving on to the word that makes me cringe. The N word. It's back and back in style. Thanks to the ever growing trend in rap music to use this word. Everyone can name a song with it in there. Fuck, everyone can name 20 songs with it in there. Who wouldn't want to sing along with Kanye, " I ain't saying she a gold digger..."? You know the rest. We all know that its okay for our black brothers and sisters to use it but not us. So why is it that all my non-black friends use it all the time? In the same way though, the joking around way, not the I'm gonna lynch your ass way. They wouldn't dare say it around my black friends though. I mean they're just being cool and trendy like Kanye. WRONG. It's not like I can call up all these artists on the phone, and be like I hope you know you just re-instated hundreds of years of racism. Really, is there a difference between the KKK-I'm gonna lynch you way and the trendy way? It's the same word, people and it is extremely painful to all communities of color, regardless of the context.
Ladies, ladies, ladies. You didn't think I'd forget about us did you? The most commonly used and most commonly overlooked hate language brings us down. Watch out cuz I'm about to go feminazi on this piece. Bitch. Slut. Whore. Ho. Hooker. Skank. Chickenhead.Floozy. I use these words all the time. Once again, jokingly. Can you think of the male equivalents to these words? No putting Man in front of it is not the same thing(Man Whore, Male Slut). It's more like Player or Pimp. But wait, those sound like good things? Can you think of any words that chastise men for being sexually promiscuous? No. There really aren't any. It's fine for them. I don't think I need to explain the ridiculousness of the double standard that our society holds so dear. What I don't understand is why women are constantly told to be stronger both emotionally and physically. "You throw like a girl". "Stop being such a woman." Apparently being born with a vagina and estrogen is an awful thing and ladies, we need to get rid of it immediately. Ask some one about Hilary Clinton, who you know does not like her, and they will tell you she's a bitch. Ask some one who doesn't like our boy George Dubya(shouldn't be too hard to find), and they will tell you he's a dumbass, jackass, etc. Why doesn't bitch come out? A bitch is just an aggressive woman. But than as soon as Hilary starts crying, she isn't strong or aggressive enough and definitely not fit to be president. Although I can almost guarantee that if Obama started to cry, he would be commended for his passion and commitment. Our language would tell us that basically a woman needs to sit still and be pretty. Unfortunately, all too many of us take this advice. This is why we spend more time and money shopping, dieting, buying make-up, shaving, and trying to fix every single "flaw" in our appearances. Oh, but we're just being girls right? This stuff makes us feel good about ourselves, it makes us confident. Why is it that feeling good about ourselves is almost completely dependent on our appearance? This is hate language in its works. Of course the media plays a huge part too, but the two go hand in hand. You wouldn't have hate language without the media.
Growing up in the suburbs among equally well off people, I never realized how I was SWIMMING in privilege. I have privilege flowing out of my ass. I never noticed that the word"ghetto", which I used to describe anything cheap or run-down, was racist and classicist. I mean I thought everyone that lived in the ghetto was there because they were lazy. They were supposed to pull themselves up by the boot straps, just like Will Smith in the Pursuit of Happiness. I thought it happened all the time. Wrong. Institutionalized racism got you again, sucka! When you think of the ghetto, do you picture white families? Didn't think so. So as long as you keep thinking that the American Dream is real, and you can easily make your way out of the ghetto, get an education, and have 2.5 kids, institutionalized racism will still go on.
I'm getting tired, so I'm going to assume you know why saying things like "retard" makes the difficult lives of the disabled even harder. This entry was not meant to be some sort of self-righteous rant about how you need to stop using this language right now. I said it myself, I use some of these words ALL the time, everyday. All I want to express is that our words have consequences. They mean something. You may not be racist, sexist or homophobic but believe me the people who invented these words and phrases were. Think before you speak, do not let the media tell you how the world should be.
*no i did not read through this to check for grammatical errors
Friday, September 5, 2008
Because sometimes being brown sucks...
Hi everyone,
I decided to start this blog because I am far too young and angry to keep my thoughts to myself. I want this to be a space where I can not only talk about my issues but of course South Asian American issues and broader Asian Pacific American issues as well as all other civil rights issues. I also want to use this blog to finally be honest with myself and my friends about who I am and all sixty billion of my insecurities. Please don't expect me to not have gramatical and spelling errors, they are bound to happen. Let me start by telling you about myself, sir Blog. I am senior Government and Politics major at the University of Maryland College Park. I grew up in Ellicott City, MD, a mostly white, but recently very Asian suburb in Howard County. I am pretty awkward when you first meet me, but once I get to know you, I open up a lot more.
Growing up I was beyond ashamed of my skin color and everything that goes with it. I wanted to deny any relation to being a Sri Lankan American. Not that I can really hide it, it's right there when you see me, dark skin, brown eyes, a funny nose, and entirely too much body hair. Let's not forget my fourteen letter last name and my regularly misprounced first name. I just wanted be like the white kids. In my head they were what beauty was. I just wanted to look like Posh Spice, Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, which let's face it is one hell of a longshot. Being brown made me feel ugly and different. One time, in 6th grade, we had a project called the Culture Bag where we had to talk about our original cultural heritage and bring in things that symbolized our culture. I was like HELL NO. I am not about the only one in the class who does not bring in something about England, Ireland, Germany or any other random European country. And how the hell was I supposed to drop the Sri Lanka bomb on them? I mean I knew where Sri Lanka is but how many middle schoolers can say that. Most people just assumed I was Indian and I let them think that because I didn't feel like being even more of a freak by correcting them and telling them my family comes from a little rain drop shapped Island in Asia. So instead I did my project on Great Britain(which now that I think of it, did enslave my people for so long, it could be true), and I said I was half Indian so it was at least believeable. But rest assure, this bag had nothing to do with India. It had a giant union jack on the front and all the contents were related to Great Britain. My mom even asked me why I was doing it on Great Britain, so I lied and said I was allowed to choose a random culture.
High School wasn't any better. I dyed my hair all the time. At one point I was as close to blond as I could go without looking completely stupid(it was actually more of an orange color). I wanted all the white boys I had a crush on to like me. I wanted to get asked out and actually have a date to homecoming like seemingly everyone else did. I tried to be all punk rock and got piercings to distinguish myself from all the Asian American kids at my high school. I didn't stand up for myself when this ignorant ass teacher would constantly mispronounce my name even after I corrected her(nowadays I will draw the line at being called Koomoooduh) and mixed me up with the other brown girl in my class. I did not stand up when on the first day of class another cocky male teacher put all of us in our place by talking about how "the black kids are usually loud and out of line and the Asian kids are always quiet and hardworking". When I finally lucked out senior year, and started talking to white boys, I thought, this is it, I'm finally accepted by them. But I was wrong. If I was at the mall holding hands with a white boy, I got the dirtiest looks. I kid you not people would look at us like we were eating babies. The thing is, it wasn't just white people giving the looks, it was EVERYONE. It was the oh-so-terrifying clash of light and dark skin. Brown people were actually the worst when it came to giving dirty looks. I'll never forget being at the lake front with someone, and a group of brown guys, who were complete strangers shouted "whoa. She's dating a white boy" as loud as the possibly could.
When I got to college I transitioned with the same sort of attitude. I started first semester of freshman year at Towson University. For those of you who don't know anything about Towson, its a public college with lower academic standards than Maryland and a huge party reputation. At Towson I could count the number of brown people I saw on one hand. It was easy for me to go back to be the only brown girl. And this time around, I had an angle when it came to getting white boys. Almost everytime I got hit on at a party by some random drunk guy, I would always get a line about how hot I was because I was "foreign" or "exotic". I, not being quiet the model minority, was not smart enough to get into Maryland first semester, but I was offered Spring admissions. Here's where the whole being honest with myself comes in. If you ask me which school I like better, Maryland or Towson, I will most definitely tell you Towson and I will tell you it is because of better food, dorms, class size and my awesome roomates. The truth is sort of miss being the lone brown person, I mean ignorance is bliss right? Wrong. I know it's wrong but sometimes its easier to just get along and have friends of all backgrounds and pretend that this little racism thing doesn't even exist. I definitely can't stand how racially segregated Maryland. If you had told me while I was at Towson that there was such thing as a South Asian interest-sorority, let alone that I would be in one, I would have told you you were absolutely insane.
When I got to Maryland, the brown people were everywhere! There was three other brown girls living on my dorm floor. As much as I tried hiding from the brown crowd, I was a transfer student and I would take any friends that would accept me(I know that sounds really jacked up, but I haven't a clue how to rephrase it). It was funny to see all the merging of South Asian cultures. Everyone want to ISA meetings, even though they were'nt all Indian. My friends would make fun of me for being "white washed" and not knowing things like what a "bhangra" was. I thought I would fit in, but it felt really awkward. I heard things about these brown, so called "desi" people. That they were drama. I still feel awkward sometimes. Like I'm being judged, especially around the brown people that don't really know me. Nonetheless, it was a relief not to be insecure about my hairiness and my crazy name. When people asked about my ethnicity, I didn't feel offend or felt like I was being "outed" like when White people do it.
Now here I am at University of Maryland, in a South Asian interest sorority and part of the Asian American Student Union. I have spent most of my recent years wondering why I was afraid of my undeniable browness. I know it sounds strange, but it's almost like I came out of the cultural closet. Like I can finally say that I am Asian American, that I am South Asian, and most shockingly of all, that I am a Sri Lankan American. Happy Ending right? I wish. Although I am at least some what secure with my cultural identity, other problems have come up with my newfound browness.
For instance, I love the Asian Pacific American movement. I love it. I haven't been this passionate about something since I was obsessed with singing for two short years in middle school and spent all my time singing Nsync and Britney in the bathroom with my hairbrush. I love being a part of it on campus and love being part of through work in summer internships with DC orgs. The question that remains here is, does the movement love me back? I am usually one of few brown people(if not the only) at Asian Pacific American events. I always get glares from people like, "what is she doing here?" and "she's not Asian, she's Indian"(which I always find funny, since I am Asian and not Indian). There's always someone who says refers to us as being yellow, and I want to chime in and be like, what about the brown people sir? Are we yellow? Of course I don't. It's the same problem in a different situation. I refuse to stand up. I refuse to be myself and educate others about the error in my ways. Perhaps I am afraid of appearing too sensitive? But if I don't stand up, who will? Who will teach other people that brown people are Asian Americans? Who will teach people that not all South Asians are Indians? I have to start standing up. We all have to start standing up.
I just cleaned out a small tiny portion of my closet with this blog. I hope that you can do the same. That is my identity crisis in a nutshell, but I think you've had enough for one entry, so I leave you all with this.
STAND UP.
I decided to start this blog because I am far too young and angry to keep my thoughts to myself. I want this to be a space where I can not only talk about my issues but of course South Asian American issues and broader Asian Pacific American issues as well as all other civil rights issues. I also want to use this blog to finally be honest with myself and my friends about who I am and all sixty billion of my insecurities. Please don't expect me to not have gramatical and spelling errors, they are bound to happen. Let me start by telling you about myself, sir Blog. I am senior Government and Politics major at the University of Maryland College Park. I grew up in Ellicott City, MD, a mostly white, but recently very Asian suburb in Howard County. I am pretty awkward when you first meet me, but once I get to know you, I open up a lot more.
Growing up I was beyond ashamed of my skin color and everything that goes with it. I wanted to deny any relation to being a Sri Lankan American. Not that I can really hide it, it's right there when you see me, dark skin, brown eyes, a funny nose, and entirely too much body hair. Let's not forget my fourteen letter last name and my regularly misprounced first name. I just wanted be like the white kids. In my head they were what beauty was. I just wanted to look like Posh Spice, Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera, which let's face it is one hell of a longshot. Being brown made me feel ugly and different. One time, in 6th grade, we had a project called the Culture Bag where we had to talk about our original cultural heritage and bring in things that symbolized our culture. I was like HELL NO. I am not about the only one in the class who does not bring in something about England, Ireland, Germany or any other random European country. And how the hell was I supposed to drop the Sri Lanka bomb on them? I mean I knew where Sri Lanka is but how many middle schoolers can say that. Most people just assumed I was Indian and I let them think that because I didn't feel like being even more of a freak by correcting them and telling them my family comes from a little rain drop shapped Island in Asia. So instead I did my project on Great Britain(which now that I think of it, did enslave my people for so long, it could be true), and I said I was half Indian so it was at least believeable. But rest assure, this bag had nothing to do with India. It had a giant union jack on the front and all the contents were related to Great Britain. My mom even asked me why I was doing it on Great Britain, so I lied and said I was allowed to choose a random culture.
High School wasn't any better. I dyed my hair all the time. At one point I was as close to blond as I could go without looking completely stupid(it was actually more of an orange color). I wanted all the white boys I had a crush on to like me. I wanted to get asked out and actually have a date to homecoming like seemingly everyone else did. I tried to be all punk rock and got piercings to distinguish myself from all the Asian American kids at my high school. I didn't stand up for myself when this ignorant ass teacher would constantly mispronounce my name even after I corrected her(nowadays I will draw the line at being called Koomoooduh) and mixed me up with the other brown girl in my class. I did not stand up when on the first day of class another cocky male teacher put all of us in our place by talking about how "the black kids are usually loud and out of line and the Asian kids are always quiet and hardworking". When I finally lucked out senior year, and started talking to white boys, I thought, this is it, I'm finally accepted by them. But I was wrong. If I was at the mall holding hands with a white boy, I got the dirtiest looks. I kid you not people would look at us like we were eating babies. The thing is, it wasn't just white people giving the looks, it was EVERYONE. It was the oh-so-terrifying clash of light and dark skin. Brown people were actually the worst when it came to giving dirty looks. I'll never forget being at the lake front with someone, and a group of brown guys, who were complete strangers shouted "whoa. She's dating a white boy" as loud as the possibly could.
When I got to college I transitioned with the same sort of attitude. I started first semester of freshman year at Towson University. For those of you who don't know anything about Towson, its a public college with lower academic standards than Maryland and a huge party reputation. At Towson I could count the number of brown people I saw on one hand. It was easy for me to go back to be the only brown girl. And this time around, I had an angle when it came to getting white boys. Almost everytime I got hit on at a party by some random drunk guy, I would always get a line about how hot I was because I was "foreign" or "exotic". I, not being quiet the model minority, was not smart enough to get into Maryland first semester, but I was offered Spring admissions. Here's where the whole being honest with myself comes in. If you ask me which school I like better, Maryland or Towson, I will most definitely tell you Towson and I will tell you it is because of better food, dorms, class size and my awesome roomates. The truth is sort of miss being the lone brown person, I mean ignorance is bliss right? Wrong. I know it's wrong but sometimes its easier to just get along and have friends of all backgrounds and pretend that this little racism thing doesn't even exist. I definitely can't stand how racially segregated Maryland. If you had told me while I was at Towson that there was such thing as a South Asian interest-sorority, let alone that I would be in one, I would have told you you were absolutely insane.
When I got to Maryland, the brown people were everywhere! There was three other brown girls living on my dorm floor. As much as I tried hiding from the brown crowd, I was a transfer student and I would take any friends that would accept me(I know that sounds really jacked up, but I haven't a clue how to rephrase it). It was funny to see all the merging of South Asian cultures. Everyone want to ISA meetings, even though they were'nt all Indian. My friends would make fun of me for being "white washed" and not knowing things like what a "bhangra" was. I thought I would fit in, but it felt really awkward. I heard things about these brown, so called "desi" people. That they were drama. I still feel awkward sometimes. Like I'm being judged, especially around the brown people that don't really know me. Nonetheless, it was a relief not to be insecure about my hairiness and my crazy name. When people asked about my ethnicity, I didn't feel offend or felt like I was being "outed" like when White people do it.
Now here I am at University of Maryland, in a South Asian interest sorority and part of the Asian American Student Union. I have spent most of my recent years wondering why I was afraid of my undeniable browness. I know it sounds strange, but it's almost like I came out of the cultural closet. Like I can finally say that I am Asian American, that I am South Asian, and most shockingly of all, that I am a Sri Lankan American. Happy Ending right? I wish. Although I am at least some what secure with my cultural identity, other problems have come up with my newfound browness.
For instance, I love the Asian Pacific American movement. I love it. I haven't been this passionate about something since I was obsessed with singing for two short years in middle school and spent all my time singing Nsync and Britney in the bathroom with my hairbrush. I love being a part of it on campus and love being part of through work in summer internships with DC orgs. The question that remains here is, does the movement love me back? I am usually one of few brown people(if not the only) at Asian Pacific American events. I always get glares from people like, "what is she doing here?" and "she's not Asian, she's Indian"(which I always find funny, since I am Asian and not Indian). There's always someone who says refers to us as being yellow, and I want to chime in and be like, what about the brown people sir? Are we yellow? Of course I don't. It's the same problem in a different situation. I refuse to stand up. I refuse to be myself and educate others about the error in my ways. Perhaps I am afraid of appearing too sensitive? But if I don't stand up, who will? Who will teach other people that brown people are Asian Americans? Who will teach people that not all South Asians are Indians? I have to start standing up. We all have to start standing up.
I just cleaned out a small tiny portion of my closet with this blog. I hope that you can do the same. That is my identity crisis in a nutshell, but I think you've had enough for one entry, so I leave you all with this.
STAND UP.
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