Getting sucked in...

So I am officially weeks away from completing my first year of law school. I think it's safe to say that this lifestyle has completely sucked me in. For someone who considers herself to be the epitome of the slacker law student, even I spend an annoying amount of time studying. When I'm not studying, I feel guilty because I probably should be studying (for instance, right now I should really be studying for my Crim Law midterm and not writing this blog). Any free time I get, I want to spend it with other people drinking or smoking hookah or chasing any sort of high that will just make me feel like a normal person again and not some sort of law school zombie.

Before I came to law school, I was told time and time again that the first year is the worst of your life. On the contrary, this year has been one of my best. I feel like I am on the cusp of realizing who I am and what I really want to do with my life. I have made some of the best friends I have ever had, and I have come to many important realizations about life in general. But the further I get wrapped into this new law school version of myself, the more I fear losing touch with the activist in me.

While I am trying to follow the path I lead in undergrad by getting involved with student organizations, I still don't think I can regain what I had. There isn't much time for activism. There is always that lurking feeling that I need to be studying. Unfortunately, studying or the urge to study leaves my brain dead and crying out for activities that don't involve thought. And we all know, there is no activism without thought.

It's funny that the very reason I came to law school is being destroyed by law school itself. It's like having had your cake, and while you can't eat it too, you have to sit there and watch other people eat it. I've seen so many of my peers that I met through the movement flourish and become further involved after college and continue on the path of promoting social justice. And while I am so proud and happy for them, I can't help but envious in the sense that I am yearning to be out there with them. I feel like we were all running on the same course, and somehow I lost my way.

I had finally found that thing, that thing you are so truly and utterly passion about, that nothing else comes close. The love that is so much bigger than you, that it automatically connects the dots between yourself and like-minded people, so that together you can turn that love into something more. While I can throw out these spiffy terms like social or equal justice, civil rights, community organizing, coalition building, activism, etc., it all comes down to that love that is ingrained in all these things.

I am positive that I will find my way back. But right now, sitting on the side lines is both tormenting and satisfying. The fear of losing my way has been creeping up on me a lot recently. I'm afraid of losing touch, forgetting that feeling or worse coming back to it only to find that the fire has died down. But, I think deep down I know, I could never let this be "the one that got away". It's all just a matter of getting back on course and finding the means in my life right now to do so.